


In the wind

by torileo



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: An almost anxiety-attack I guess?, Blood, I don’t know how to explain but it’s an AU, M/M, The characters are all adults here, There will be some violence in future chapters too, more tags tba
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:53:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24857149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torileo/pseuds/torileo
Summary: A slight breeze makes the huge sakura tree’s leaves shake for a couple seconds, and Tsukasa looks up at it in a moment of distraction; nothing meets his eyes except for the pink flowers and brown branches there, but when he blinks and looks back at the pond’s water, a second reflection stares at him, expressionless. It almost, almost startles him, but lilac eyes and messy hair as pink as the sakura flowers are a weirdly reassuring view to Tsukasa.
Relationships: Kohaku Oukawa/Tsukasa Suou
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hi!! I have decided to experiment a little bit, and somehow I ended up creating this. The plan is to have short chapters so I can reach at least 3 chapters, I still don’t know if I really will be able to write all of it, but I wanted to attempt a multi-chapter fic with some kind of plot going on... I figured after some time it could get boring for my readers if I kept wroting just plotless horny fanfiction, as much as I enjoy writing them, so I’m just hoping this will be entertaining. Of course, it will turn horny at some point because it’s written by _me_ , but well... 
> 
> I don’t have a deep understanding of Japanese history and culture and I’m not very good at doing useful reference researching so I decided to keep the setting as vague as possible as to avoid being disrespectful. I hope it’s not a problem. The author bows his head. Please let me know if any of it ends up sounding ugly, I won’t be focusing much on the setting since it’s supposed to focus on the character’s relationships, but I really appreciate feedback. 
> 
> Please let me know if you are interested in a continuation. I’m already writing something else at the same time I’m posting this, so I might finish the other piece before continuing this one, but it would make me happy to hear if you like it. ❤️ The prologue is very short and uneventful since I wanted to try and explain things before getting the plot started. I also wrote it all in one night so I’m sure I will go back to fix it at some point if I end up continuing this.

Dangerous... 

Was this dangerous? A suicidal mission? Tsukasa asks himself, absentmindedly stroking the garden’s flower’s petals, trying to keep himself grounded despite his mind concentrating on something else entirely. Perhaps there were better ways to solve the situation, ways that didn’t involve traveling into an unknown territory in such a reckless manner, but that mattered very little when it was too late to go back. There’s no way he can regret his choice now, and even a ruler as young as himself knows mourning the past is useless. Diplomacy has not been going very well between the Himemiya and the Suou houses, at this point it’s clear that they will not be able to reach an agreement about the most recently discovered territory in their country, and no matter how many times he sends letters or representatives to meet the head of the Himemiya house, it all seems useless. Normally, discussions between the two of them don’t take this long, as much as it’s common for them to disagree or have different views on what’s better for their country, years of sharing the power have led to the Suou’s to learning how to deal with the Himemiya family’s strong temperament— even if Tsukasa still thinks he might have gotten unlucky, because there’s no way any ancestors or past house heads can be as annoying and irritating as Tori—, but this time three months have passed and they still haven’t decided on anything the both of them could agree on, not even close. Tsukasa doesn’t consider himself bad at his role, and usually he doesn’t mind being a little more compliant to Tori’s exigencies if it means the man will shut up, since in the end they share all obtained resources no matter whose name is written on the papers, but this time the things Tori asked for were downright absurd, and no amount of talking or explaining has been enough to change his mind. It has come to such a point that Tsukasa cannot think of a solution, patient as he may be, other than going there and trying to push some sense into Tori’s head himself. It’s definitely dangerous— there’s many reasons why the royal house’s members aren’t allowed to leave their territory, after all—, but he doesn’t have a choice now that he already sent a message about his plans to travel there, and despite wanting to trust that Tori will not attempt to execute him on spot, they haven’t really seem each other in person since their childhood, so there’s no telling how the man might react.

Tsukasa sighs, letting go of the delicate flower petals and looking around his extensive garden. He walks to the pond in the middle of it, carefully observing the fish’ movements, trying to free his mind of burdensome worries, and finds himself calming down despite everything else. Right, things will be fine, he just needs to go there, meet an old friend and solve some bureaucratic issues that should not be happening, but they are, so it’s his responsibility to make sure everything goes smoothly from here on. Again, it might be dangerous but... That’s exactly why the Suou family doesn’t work alone. The branch families have been created for the purpose of protecting and keeping the order wherever the main family cannot, and Tsukasa knows very well how to use every resource he has. A slight breeze makes the huge sakura tree’s leaves shake for a couple seconds, and Tsukasa looks up at it in a moment of distraction; nothing meets his eyes except for the pink flowers and brown branches there, but when he blinks and looks back at the pond’s water, a second reflection stares at him, expressionless. It almost, almost startles him, but lilac eyes and messy hair as pink as the sakura flowers are a weirdly reassuring view to Tsukasa.

“Ah, Kohakun. Right on time... In fact, maybe a little early.” Tsukasa smiles, turning so he can face his cousin properly. Kohaku Oukawa, high status member of the Oukawa branch family, doesn’t react apart from nodding his head once. Tsukasa takes that as a cue for him to continue. “To be completely honest I did not expect them to send you, but taking in consideration this is just a private meeting, I suppose there’s no need to send the person who is to accompany me yet.”

“Tsk.” Kohaku clicks his tongue, avoiding eye contact and abandoning his stiff stance, transforming into the person Tsukasa is used to talking to when they are in private. “First o’all, quit callin’ me that, _boy_. ‘S disrespectful, ‘n it might look bad ta other people if they see ya bein’ so buddy buddy with someone like me. Second, ‘s it that hard to believe I was the one assigned for this mission?”

“Taking your abilities into account, no, not really. But I assumed they wouldn’t want you near me again so soon.” Placing his hand on his chin, Tsukasa hums deeply, but he knows touching this subject too much will only make Kohaku’s already limited patience run thinner. They have known each other for as long as family possibly could, but it’s a much more cold and distant relationship than one would imagine; that fact, however, doesn’t stop Tsukasa from cherishing every moment they spend together, and he often finds himself wishing their lives weren’t so different. “You calling me ‘boy’ is also disrespectful, so I think we are even. But, pushing all that aside... In that case, I’m assuming you are aware of the details. This trip might take a long time, I do hope you are prepared.”

“Am only here ‘cuz everybody else ‘s busy, obviously. Think with yer head a lil’, will ya? An’ I do know, didn’t come here with my hands empty or nothin’.” Kohaku’s hands are, in fact, empty, but Tsukasa knows he did not mean the words literally. Certainly the man has already taken the liberty of leaving his belongings inside the house before even revealing himself. His voice may come off as harsh but Tsukasa knows better than to take them to heart, so he laughs softly instead, moving his hands to adjust and fix the sleeves of Kohaku’s old fashioned kimono. “Are ya goin’ ta keep actin’ like I’m some kid? ‘S annoyin’.”

“I like making sure you’re comfortable. We haven’t seen each other in a while, after all.”

The shade of red that invades Kohaku’s face at those words is incredibly cute, Tsukasa decides, and he once again smiles to himself once he’s done with the kimono’s sleeves. The other man doesn’t say anything more, deeming the conversation over, but he does follow along when Tsukasa gestures for him to come inside. It’s no surprise to see a couple of bags that weren’t there before resting in the far corner, and Tsukasa simply leads Kohaku to a room far more appropriate for talking than the garden; there is a place for heating up kettles in the middle of the room, surrounded by sitting tatami. He opens the kettle’s lid only slightly to be able to peek inside, making sure the tea is ready before sitting down and taking two cups, filling them. The scent of freshly brewed tea fills the room in a pleasant way, Tsukasa has to stop himself from sighing in happiness, and it makes him very glad for the decision to get everything ready before the meeting started. Truly, he didn’t know which member of the Oukawa family would come, but it’s common sense that everyone can appreciate a good cup of tea, Kohaku included. He sits down and waits for his cousin to do the same, offering the drink as soon as he does.

A comfortable silence surrounds them, only the occasional sipping and breathing sounds opposing to it. The peaceful expression on Kohaku’s face is one even Tsukasa has had very few chances to see before, not only because of their distance kept from each other but also because of the fact Kohaku rarely has time to rest like this and forget everything he’s been through. It’s not an easy life for any of them, Tsukasa knows, but whenever he compares how things are for the both of them... He’d much rather stay where he is, taking care of doing the talking and organizing and keeping things in order, instead of whatever dirty jobs the Oukawas are known for taking care of. In fact, he _knows_ , he’s not so naive as to think they limit themselves to small things like collecting information and spying on the Suou’s enemies, but Tsukasa prefers to not dwell too much on what kind of gruesome tasks Kohaku might be often responsible for.

“So, are ya goin’ to tell me when we are s’pposed to leave, or will we just stay here havin’ tea for the whole day?” Predictably, Kohaku is the one who breaks the silence as Tsukasa is too immersed in his own thoughts. He takes the last sip of his teacup, going straight into business, but the tune of his voice is not an angry one. If anything, it might almost sound regretful, as if he didn’t really mean to break the moment, but it’s impossible to accurately read Kohaku’s perfectly emotionless face.

“Ah. I don’t mind enjoying the tea for a little longer.” Tsukasa admits, simply, serving himself another cup and then offering another one to Kohaku, who, despite all he said, doesn’t reject it. He waits for a moment to pass before continuing. “I had plans to leave tomorrow morning. Everything is ready, too. But I understand if it’s too short notice to you.”

“...Yer aware ‘m here ta follow orders, right? It doesn’t matter what I think.” 

“You know I don’t agree with the concept of mindless servants. I would very much like to avoid imposing myself onto people whenever possible.” The expression on Tsukasa’s face makes it obvious there’s no room for arguing on that matter, but Kohaku remains silent, and it becomes obvious this is going nowhere. The redhead sighs into his cup before placing it down. “Anyhow, I have sent a message notifying the Himemiya house of my visit, but truth be told... I haven’t yet planned all of it. I do fear for our safety, but Tori-kun is not the type who would set me up to be assassinated, as hard as it is to believe, so perhaps my worrying is senseless. I was advised to bring someone who would be able to assure my protection, which naturally means relying on your family. I wouldn’t take such a severe measure if it wasn’t important.”

“That pipsqueak ‘s givin’ ya trouble, eh?” From the way he talks, it almost sounds like Kohaku knows Tori, but that’s not really the case. Kohaku knows very few people personally, but the Himemiya’s reputation is certainly anything but the tallest person to ever step on earth, so the commentary manages to get a huffed laugh out of Tsukasa. The pink haired man abandons his teacup in order to cross his arms over his chest, lips pressed into a thin line. “After generations of rulin’ the country together ya woulda think they’d get their head out of their asses. Nobody ‘s in no position to cause each other trouble, even more in these hard times. ‘S troublesome. Well, guess we jus’ hafta get rid of all of ‘em silently while we’re at it.”

“Kohakun! We are _not_ going to, uhm... ‘Get rid’ of Tori-kun, or anyone else for that matter! Also, please, at least try to control some of your vulgar language.” Tsukasa almost screams, but controls himself. He takes a deep breath, sending the man a pointed look. It’s hard to deal with the other’s lack of shame or restraint, but ultimately Tsukasa decides it’s not worth getting worked up about. “I am going there to talk to him. I don’t understand it very well, but he keeps making completely unreasonable demands whenever I attempt to negotiate with him, and it’s come to the point where I can’t pretend it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m sure the dialogue will go a lot smoother when we are face-to-face, it isn’t like him to be so inflexible. Why start now? There are too many questions, and I can only find the answer going there myself, even if I know it could very well be a trap.”

Kohaku hums at the explanation, seemingly deep in thought. He takes his empty teacup only to place it near the kettle, signaling he’s done drinking, and bows to Tsukasa before getting up.

“I dunno what’s up between the main families’ business, but... Even if ya think ya know that guy, he might not be that nice, yanno. It does sound like some kinda plot to get ya to go there in person, for whatever reason I have no idea, but I know yer only a lil’ stupid so I won’t tell ya to change yer mind. If it ‘s indeed some kinda trap, though... Heh, that’s why I’m goin’, right? Imma take care of it, so don’t worry any more than ya normally would.” He looks back at Tsukasa while walking out of the room’s door, sending a last smile that Tsukasa thinks is supposed to be reassuring. “This ‘s what I was born for, after all.”

Once he’s left alone, Tsukasa briefly entertains the thought of going after Kohaku to try and get him to talk a bit more, already craving for company again in the loneliness that is his huge home, but discards the idea after realizing it might make the other man uncomfortable. Maybe he wants to be alone for the rest of the day in order to prepare for their long trip tomorrow, and even if he disappears right now Tsukasa knows Kohaku will be there again tomorrow, up and ready before the sun even rises, so there’s no need to push things no matter how much he enjoys their interactions. Tsukasa sighs, collecting the teacups and the kettle to put them back in their original place, not wanting the servants to have to deal with his mess; he would love to sit down and enjoy the tea for a little longer but the reality is that he himself also has things to do before parting tomorrow. It might be annoying, but the schedule won’t organize itself and this is far from being something they can improvise. Walking towards his own room he notices the bags are gone, so Kohaku really is off to his own things, but he doesn’t give it much attention deciding he can trust his cousin’s judgement, and instead sits down at his table to focus on what’s important. He knows for sure that there’s something weird going on, even if he can’t put his finger on _what_ exactly it is, but if worse comes to worse he has guards to keep him safe and, in a more severe scenario, Kohaku will also act in his favor as much as Tsukasa would like to avoid anything from happening to the man. The most awkward scenario will be if all the weird demands are indeed Tori’s doing, but Tsukasa figures the only thing he can do to deal with that is to try and reason with Tori again, even if the previous attempts were all in vain.

After half an hour of pondering, Tsukasa presses a finger to his temples, frustrated. The general plan is outlined nicely, but will it really be enough? He knows he is prone to overthinking and sometimes putting too much pressure on himself, but can he be blamed for feeling like this when a whole country relies on him? Well, technically it’s half a country, but the point still stands. Wondering what his father would do proves itself to be useless as well, it’s been a long time since Tsukasa was able to ask him anything, and their ways of ruling are completely different. He takes pride in being able to say things are better under his lead, even during an year that has been hard for everyone, but he pushes that feeling away because he doesn’t want to feel like he’s glad for his father’s death. Running a hand down his face, Tsukasa finally accepts that there’s no way thinking about this any more will help at all; rather than just sitting down and planning things, the next stage will be to get up and make everything happen with his own two hands, even if it means he will have to wait until he actually gets to Tori’s house before taking action. The way things are right now he has no choice but to keep his determination and do his best, not only for himself, but for everyone, and even Kohaku too.

❁

The next morning, Tsukasa finds himself filled with a strong sense of responsibility. He still knows how complicated the situation is, and how easily everything can backfire, but he’s sure of himself and that taking the first step is what he needs to do to be able to achieve his objectives. Checking if everything is ready goes fine, he’s gotten enough sleep as to not feel tired and the carriage is ready, already packed with everything they need for the next week. He’s dressed up and ready to go, all guards already in position, and the sun has not risen yet. The slight darkness around them is a point of advantage; leaving discreetly is a good strategy to make sure they’re not followed, but even then just in case, a second carriage identical to this one will leave in a couple hours and follow a different way to the Himemiya’s territory. It may seem exaggerated but Tsukasa doesn’t want to take any chances, he knows how quickly a situation can turn bad and even if he doesn’t consider himself that important as a person he knows the weight of his position is not one he can just selfishly hand over to someone else, even if he wanted to.

Tsukasa is about to get into the carriage when Kohaku finally appears, wearing his usual outfit accompanied by a large straw hat, he’s carrying one of his bags on his back but Tsukasa strongly doubts the only thing inside of it are clothes if Kohaku has decided to carry it himself. The pink haired man is also holding two peaches in his hands, and he reaches to give one of them to Tsukasa.

“Ya forgot breakfast, boy.” He says, calmly, before moving to take his place among the other guards. It’s obvious he’s not the same as the others, clothing completely different from them, but there’s not exactly a need for blending in just yet so Tsukasa refrains from complaining about it. He does, however, huff at Kohaku’s audacity to call him out on forgetting to eat, as if that’s at all important right now, but he also cannot stop a warm feeling from spreading inside his chest at the obvious act of care.

Once Tsukasa closes the door together with the curtains and all of them start moving, the only thing left in his mind is the image of Kohaku standing among the other guards. He knows this is normal procedure, to have a personal bodyguard to take care of him, but he cannot help but feel a little giddy at the fact it’s Kohaku out of everyone. It’s an unexplainable feeling, but there’s something about the man that draws Tsukasa in, makes him want to be around the other and protect him even if their roles are the exact contrary. Last time they were together he might have messed up and made not only Kohaku but also his family really angry, but is it that bad of him to not want to see his cousin get hurt? He simply didn’t feel like it was right for someone to die for him, no matter the situation, even if the Oukawas were created for the sole reason of protecting the Suous. Tsukasa is set on ending that system one day, even if it takes dissolving the whole branch families for that to happen. No one should have their life tied to another person, as if they didn’t mean anything and were just a piece to get rid off once their time came. Tsukasa obviously worries about Kohaku, and he’s determined to not let the man sacrifice himself ever again, no matter how hard their families try to separate them.

At least, Tsukasa thinks, he can keep an eye on Kohaku during the next week. A dangerous mission is not exactly the best scenario to be thinking about who gets to protect who, but the thought eases Tsukasa’s worries. He’s sure no matter what happens, they will be able to count on and be there for each other.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep having to remind myself to stick to short chapters!!! Please!!! I was writing this one and when I got so into it, the moment I blinked it suddenly had 5.000 words... I am so sorry for taking so long to post this. I spent the whole weeked completely unable to leave my bed due to a serious fever, and the headaches wouldn’t let me write for long periods of time... I also changed the quantity of chapters because I might write more than 3 now that I am having much fun with this story. Well, I’m hoping it will be entertaining to all of you like the prologue seemed to be.
> 
> There are a couple warnings! In the tags I did mention violence would happen, so... It’s not the real thing _yet_ , but there is some blood mentioned in Tsukasa’s dream so watch out for that. I was pretty happy with how it turned out, and I enjoyed writing Tsukasa’s inner thoughts about how much he admires Kohaku... I had lots of fun with it. :] That being said, please note this is an AU so the characters are not perfect copies of their canon selves, Tsukasa is a little insecure like he was before joining Yumenosaki and during Requiem, while Kohaku is very protective of Tsukasa and enjoys caring closely for him, which I believe is a side he has only expressed about him and Aira’s internet friendship where he used to comfort Aira. He is still snarky, obviously, just not all the time after all he is and has been in love with Tsukasa for the longest time. :]

Traveling like this was not exactly a new thing for Tsukasa. Yes, he could rarely leave his house and his territory but whenever he did, it was like this; curtains completely closed, he couldn’t even get a glimpse of what was going on outside the carriage. He could only hear the sounds of the guard’s heavy steps and the horses walking. It’s been many long hours, and they would only stop when they reached the frontier, which would happen at some time near dusk if they kept their pace. That they wouldn’t be able to stop was a bit of an annoyance, Tsukasa could only stare at the insides of the carriage for so long before getting bored, and his stomach is complaining at the lack of sustenance, even if the peach Kohaku offered him before they parted did help. Maybe he should have had a proper breakfast like the other man said, but it was not his fault his mind was occupied by more important thoughts, taking care of himself was by no means a priority, although now thinking about it, maybe it was worth it since he got to receive such kindness from Kohaku earlier. In fact, remembering it makes him smile enough to forget everything else for a bit, clearing his mind of negative thoughts if only momentarily. It might be seem as weird that he feels this way, but in a tradition where one must be the other’s shadow, always close and protective, wasn’t it just bond to happen? That one would inevitably fall for the other? He knows it’s hopeless, but Kohaku has always been everything he admired the most: brave, determined, strong. Someone who was able to protect Tsukasa this far, and still continues to do so despite the knowledge that Tsukasa himself has also acquired those qualities with the passing time. And yet, that same person is taught that his life does not matter— that he should willingly give it up for someone else, that this is his only duty in life. It fills Tsukasa with disgust. It could not be helped, a part of him will always yearn for Kohaku despite fate’s unrelenting attempts at keeping them apart.

Tsukasa sighs into his hand, looking at his nails can only provide entertainment for a few seconds and it’s irritating, his mind fluctuating between troublesome thoughts becomes even harder to ignore in this scenario. He wishes he could at least look outside at the trees or something, but it’s a futile desire, that would be just risking his own life even if just for a second, and Tsukasa is not that reckless. He recognizes that it makes him feel caged, the way most things do, a position of such importance is a heavy weight to bear, but one he cannot just brush off no matter how much the concept of freedom tempts him. Still, he can’t help but imagine it, how would life be if one day he were free, truly free? Perhaps he would be able to meet new people, who wouldn’t look at him with fear, anger, or second intentions. Perhaps he would get to study things that interest him other than leadership, he’s always been an appreciator of the many languages the world has to offer. And, perhaps, he...

Well, maybe he and Kohaku are not so different, after all.

Tsukasa sighs again, but softer this time. He wonders what kind of expression Kohaku is making. Is he also hungry? He must be, and also tired since he actually has to walk. Maybe his mind is as full as Tsukasa’s, both of them are the kind to unintentionally fall deep in thought, or maybe he’s enjoying the chance to walk around in a manner free of responsibilities for once, which he doesn’t get to do a lot. It’s cute to imagine Kohaku doing something so simple like playing with birds or looking at flowers, the pink haired man has always found beauty in the small things, maybe due to his strict upbringing. Tsukasa can relate to that, and despite it not being with the same intensity it only makes him more set on ensuring at least Kohaku can be free one day, even if he himself can’t.

But none of that truly matters, at least not right now. As much as he would love to keep thinking about such fantastic scenarios, he has to at least try to keep himself grounded in the moment, as hard as it may be with literally nothing to lay his eyes on. Tsukasa looks at the dreaded curtains once again, would it really be so bad to get a peak? Is what he keeps asking himself, but ultimately he cannot help but give into temptation, pushing the delicate fabric away only centimeters enough to be able to look outside. It’s nothing unexpected, the guards keep on with their incessant marching, the scenery is of tall trees that Tsukasa knows surround the Himemiya territory, and if anything the only interesting information that he gathers from it is that the sun will start setting soon, so Tsukasa’s mood gets considerably better at the promise for the long awaited stop. Only a little longer to go, and in the end nothing bad came out of his little moment of disobedience, he smiles to himself and goes to tuck the curtains back in place, but hesitates for a fraction of second. Would it be creepy if he took the opportunity to watch Kohaku for a little longer? That’s what he originally wanted to do, after all, but not out of bad intentions or anything like that, he just can’t help but want to check if the other is okay. A quick glance shows him the man looking straight ahead with an expressionless face, seemingly not going through any kind of hardship... It’s still a little shocking how Kohaku can keep up easily with highly trained guards that are nearly twice his age, he really is a strong individual.

Tsukasa puts the curtains back in place, now with his mind a little calmer and reassured not only by the sky’s slow color change, but also by fact his worries are confirmed to be unfounded. It’s still troublesome that he cannot distract himself, but he decides that it’s okay, closing his eyes in favor of a few moments of rest; it’s fine, soon they will stop for the night and he will be able both to rest and eat something, he will survive and they will soon be at the Himemiya house. It will be fine. Everything will be fine.

❁

When he opens his eyes, Tsukasa is not inside the carriage anymore. Rather, it’s not a completely unfamiliar place, but he can’t really put his finger on why or how he recognizes it exactly. It feels like a distant memory that doesn’t reach his brain. He looks around, but it’s a little dark and the only thing he can gather from his examination is that it’s some kind of room. Or maybe it’s a hallway. He can’t tell for sure. There’s no significant smell in the air, and he seems to be alone, settling the atmosphere into a completely unsettling one. The familiar feeling still hasn’t left but Tsukasa is not so certain he should trust it at this point, he’s sure he has not been to this place before. He feels a bit dizzy and lightheaded, but when he tries to move his head he realizes that he can’t, even if he knows there’s nothing physically stopping him. He tries to move again, his hands this time, and finds that he can, so he reaches to touch his head and search for some kind of wound, but it’s in vain and everything seems to be in order. At least there’s no blood or anything like that, and he doesn’t really feel pain apart from feeling dizzy, so... Yeah, again, he’s fine. Again, it will be fine. He looks down at his hands and his eyes widen.

They’re both covered in blood, blood which couldn’t possibly have come from anywhere in his head, and his right hand specifically has an ugly slash on it, blood still coming out from the wound in a disgusting scenario, and Tsukasa _knows_ what this is. Suddenly the memory comes back to him, the darkness dissipating if only slightly enough for him to see that it’s indeed a room— his room, to be exact, from when he was younger, and more stupid too. Tsukasa remembers he once heard something about dreams and nightmares, that once you become aware you’re inside one, it automatically makes you wake up, but after having been through this memory many times he asks himself if knowing how it plays out really counts as being _conscious_ that it is not real. The conclusion seems to be that no, it doesn’t, and knowing what happened doesn’t exactly make him feel any better. He knows how he got it— the cut on his hand. Earlier that night his room got broken into by enemies of his family, certainly planning to take the heir for their wicked reasons, but they couldn’t be blamed for not knowing Tsukasa had his own personal little cold blooded bodyguard. Most of the invaders were out before Tsukasa could even process what was happening, but he saw it when Kohaku came to check on him, too worried to notice the man’s hateful eyes following him, too preoccupied with _Tsukasa_ to look behind him, the pocket knife’s blade coming closer before Tsukasa could warn him about it. The movement was a reflex, almost, there was no way he could let Kohaku pay the price for something that was not his fault, it was not his fault that these people were here, and it was not his fault that he cared about Tsukasa enough to prioritize checking on him rather than his own safety.

Thinking about it now, it was a stupid idea. Tsukasa has already analyzed this scene a thousand times in his mind, but he always reaches the same conclusion, that it was a dumb move. Just putting his hand there, even if for a noble reason... There’s no way that could have worked no matter how he looks at it. In fact, he was lucky that it was a simple pocket knife at all, a katana could have easily cut through his bones and, well... Certainly that would not have been a good sight. Pushing Kohaku to try and save him from being stabbed might have worked, but the plan could have been better executed in a way that didn’t include Tsukasa getting his own hand almost cut off instead. After it happened, Kohaku became aware of the man’s presence, recovering quickly, pushing him away from Tsukasa and outside the room for a physical fight. It’s been a long time since then, and Tsukasa knows he would have done it differently now if he had the chance to, but he cannot help but regret it.

Needlessly to say, they didn’t get to see each other as frequently after that incident.

But Tsukasa knows it doesn’t end there, so he waits for the memory to continue, waits for Kohaku to come back inside. To tell him that everything is okay, ask about his hand and comfort him until the panic lowers significantly, even if the bleeding is still happening and it still hurts, Tsukasa knows it will feel good to have his head pushed into Kohaku’s chest while having his hair played with, even if he also knows that if he looks up he will never be able to forget Kohaku’s sweet smile tainted by blood he knows very well doesn’t belong to either of them.

However, it never comes. The door never opens again, and when Tsukasa looks down back at his hands, the wound is gone too, replaced by the scar he’s so used to seeing there. The scenario morphs into something completely different, it’s dark once again, but he can actually move his head now, and when he looks up he realizes he can see the moon, and it puzzles him and confuses his mind. This is not how this memory was supposed go, he doesn’t recognize this place at all. So it’s like an alleyway, and it’s night, and... He looks around and realizes that this time he’s standing, and he’s no longer alone. To his right is a short figure whom Tsukasa can vaguely recognize as an older version of Tori-kun, but why is he in Tsukasa’s dream? It makes him irritated, and he’s about to voice his thoughts and maybe ask the other man to leave and go find his _own_ dream to be the protagonist of, when running sounds call his attention and he feels something touch his shoulder with force. Before he can react, he’s being pushed back hastily and finds himself face to face with Kohaku again— his adult version this time.

“Tsukasa-han.” He’s panting, and Tsukasa’s brain unhelpfully focuses on how messy his hair is. It seems like an urgent situation, however, so he tries to focus despite the lightheaded feeling starting to get the best of him. “We have to leave.”

He’s listening, but the words don’t register very well on his mind. Ah, Kohaku’s voice is very nice. Tsukasa should ask him to sing sometime, he would be great at it even with his strong accent. Maybe he would be better at singing than he is at...

“Tsukasa-han. We have to leave. **Now**.”

_Yeah.... Dreaming about Kohaku is nice._

❁

Tsukasa gasps when he wakes up, eyes shooting open in a second. He doesn’t know why, but his breath is accelerated and he can barely remember what happened in his dream. It all comes to him in blurred images and muffled voices, all he can remember is blood, and someone telling him that they need to leave. Leave what? Where? Should he be worried? Is this really a suicidal mission, after all? Is some higher being trying to warn him? He moves his hand to his forehead, fixing his hair and taking a deep breath, trying to recompose himself to the best of his abilities, even if its mostly in vain.

“Um... Did I wake ya up?”

He almost screams, noticing only now that the carriage’s door is open and someone is standing there, possibly waiting for a reaction from him, but he relaxes instantly upon realizing it’s Kohaku. He sighs deeply, fixing his clothes and looking at the man, shaking his head no.

“No... You didn’t. Don’t worry about it.” Tsukasa clears his throat, attempting to look behind Kohaku for any clues as to why they have stopped, but then it strikes him that the sun is already close to being completely set. “Ah, have we reached the frontier, at last?”

“Yes. The other guards already set everythin’ up, while ya were restin’.” Kohaku sounds skeptical about Tsukasa’s answer at first, raising an eyebrow in silent questioning, but then frowns and readjusts his posture. “I told ‘em to leave ya alone for the moment, but since ‘s gettin’ late we can’t wait anymore. So, c’mon, we should move to yer tent, Tsukasa-han.”

Tsukasa doesn’t say anything, but he does avoid Kohaku’s inquisitive eyes for a few seconds before nodding, sighing one last time and then moving to leave the confines of that stuffy carriage, finally. Once he walks out he realizes how weak his legs feel, but thats a normal reaction from such a long time doing little to no movements, and he tries to stretch out his limbs a bit before forcing himself to walk. The look on Kohaku’s face suggests he’s ready to serve as support should need be, but after those bizarre blurry snapshots of his dream Tsukasa feels that the last thing he wants to do is to bother the pink haired man, feeling weirdly self conscious of something he’s not even sure what it is exactly. The walk to the tent is a short one, being set in a clearing inside the forest, the lone tent is set in the middle of the clearing, definitely a good placing for a core-type of protection tact and Tsukasa notices the guards setting their own things beside their sleeping places, they all bow their heads at him and he smiles back at them in silent appreciation. He knows these people are always giving their lives for him, much like Kohaku is. It’s a fact that he cannot change, not right now, but it still makes it so his smile has a tinge of pain to it, no matter how grateful he may be.

“There ‘s some improvised soup for tonight, Imma bring ya a bowl since mosta o’ us already ate. Don’ worry ‘boutta thing, for now just focus on getting ready for tomorrow, yeah?” 

Tsukasa hears Kohaku say that before leaving the tent again, but his nod is more like an automatic response. He’s too distracted by other things— everything was settled for him to feel comfortable, or as comfortable as possible in the middle of the wild, and he runs his hand on the soft surface of his makeshift sleeping futon. The covers they brought from his house are actually rather nice, and he’s glad to have someone he can feel attached to without any guilt coming together with it. Sighing, he sits down on it and tries to clear his brain of the dream’s cryptic snapshots; in his mind, they don’t mean anything, so they shouldn’t matter. He doesn’t have to waste his time and energy on this, but it’s not easy to convince his still fast-beating heart of that. Deep down of him Tsukasa is sure that things will be okay, he’s determined to make sure they will succeed in their objectives, and his doubts are mostly things related to his own situation rather than lack of faith or confidence, but it’s hard to not feel bothered. He will try anyway, even if it’s hard, because they already came this far, and he refuses to allow something ridiculous like a dream projected by his own mind to intimidate him.

Once Kohaku is back, he wordlessly offers the bowl to Tsukasa. It’s not so hot as boiling, so he’s able to hold it in both of his hands before bringing it to his lips. The warm feeling automatically invades and spreads all over his body, and even if the taste might not be the best thing ever it’s still a comforting thing that brings a smile to Tsukasa’s lips. He hums to himself after the first sip, basking in and enjoying the sensation as much as he can. Some kind of silence establishes itself between them as Tsukasa eats, happy to be able to relax if only a few minutes and with Kohaku’s reassuring presence standing by his side. He wants to ask the man to sit down and join him, but he doesn’t know if Kohaku would take offense to that offer, so he tries to think of something else. Tsukasa is not really ready to call it a day since he rested at the carriage for a little bit, but he doesn’t think the guards would take it very well if he told them he wanted to take a stroll around the forest during nighttime, so the options are limited. His tent, much like the carriage, has little for him to entertain himself and even if Tsukasa considers himself to be a very patient man it can’t be helped that he wants to distract his own brain.

“What are ya thinkin’?” It’s Kohaku who breaks the silence, thankfully, and Tsukasa is glad the man has a better sense of perception than he himself does.

“I’m thinking I want to leave for a little while. Maybe do something interesting.”

The way he says it is plain and direct, but Kohaku’s quiet laughter comes as a surprise and makes Tsukasa look up at him from his sitting position, eyebrows furrowed together and an offended pout on his lips. 

“Sorry, I’m jus’. Are ya _bored_?” Kohaku’s amused look doesn’t make Tsukasa feel any better. “We ain’t even at the place yet, so yer gonna have to wait a lil’ more, ‘kay? ‘S not like we can rush things since ‘s another territory we talkin’ ‘bout.”

“I know that, Kohakun.” A roll of his eyes is enough a bold move, but Tsukasa does it anyway, placing the bowl beside his bed for it to be retrieved by someone else later. He thinks his words over carefully in his mind, maybe saying something like this will make Kohaku feel bad or guilty, but Tsukasa needs to say it and he doesn’t have many people he can trust. He thinks about his dream, thinks about his responsibilities, thinks about how he’s often looking for ways to escape his own doubts. This his cousin is one of the few people he know wouldn’t judge him severely or break his trust, even if it costed him his life. That last detail makes him unease, but it’s an undeniable truth. “What I mean is that... It may sound stupid, but. Sometimes, my head is filled with troublesome thoughts, and it gives me a sensation like I can’t escape. Logically speaking, I’m aware there is nothing to escape from, but rather... When I think about the future, it makes me feel trapped. Kohakun... What do you think the future holds? It’s impossible to know, isn’t it? But all the possibilities, aren’t they quite suffocating...? Sometimes, I think I would like to escape all that, even if only momentarily.”

The shift in the atmosphere is understandable, Kohaku’s laughter dying short due to Tsukasa’s grim monologue. It’s okay, Tsukasa thinks, he doesn’t expect it to make sense to anyone but himself, he knows their upbringings may have been similar but to expect Kohaku to know what to say was an useless wish, one he wouldn’t bother entertaining. He simply crosses his hands in his lap, looking down at them. Kohaku will probably leave now to allow him to go through his own thoughts and sort them; maybe in a past time the man would have comforted him or at least attempted to uplift his mood, but they are both adults now and things are different, way too different. They were separated for a reason, after all, and it wouldn’t surprise Tsukasa if Kohaku blamed him for it.

Tsukasa wishes he could go back now, regretting his words. This is all a weight he should bear alone, and no one but himself is responsible for it. He knows, he knows, and yet... He could not stop the words from escaping his lips, could not stop himself from relying onto this figure that is such a big source of comfort for him. He is selfish, terribly selfish, for acting like that, for seeking reassurance only because he feels unease due to that stupid dream, Kohaku certainly has been through much, much worse and had nobody to share his negative feelings with. He probably thinks Tsukasa is pitiful for not being able to keep it to himself. Tsukasa’s cheeks go redder from shame each second that passes by without a reaction from the other, and he takes a deep breath to stead himself, opening his mouth ready to apologize for his careless blabbering. He is about to say the first word, when he feels movement coming from beside him, a hand being placed on his head carefully pushing him down into a flat surface, but he can tell it’s Kohaku’s chest from the texture of his kimono. The position feels a little awkward since they’re older now, and Tsukasa has grown a couple centimeters taller than Kohaku, but the fact Kohaku is also sitting down helps, and the feeling of safeness he feels from that act alone remains unchanged. Tsukasa’s inner turmoil calms considerably, but his eyes remain widen as he feels the same hand from before now treading through his hair in a soothing motion.

“Kohakun...?” He asks, unhelpfully. All previously planned words flying out of his head, leaving room for nothing but other questions. Tsukasa doesn’t know why this action does wonders to help ease his anxieties, but it’s been something Kohaku has always done since the very start, perhaps he had learned it from someone else or perhaps he did it out of not knowing what else to do in pressing situations, but none of that changes how attached to it Tsukasa is. Maybe it’s the nostalgia, but being able to hear the soft _thumps_ of Kohaku’s heart makes him realize how much he’s missed this, how much he’s missed Kohaku, for the past years.

“‘S impossible for one ta be able to tell the future, Tsukasa-han. Ain’t nobody goin’ ta expect that from ya.” Tsukasa can’t see Kohaku’s face from this angle, but telling by his voice he can imagine the serene expression the man must be making as he talks. “People like me or ya, who were put in the world by other people for a reason... I dunno what ya think, but... I don’ care ‘bout any of that. I want to keep protectin’ ya, even if they try ta stop me, Imma just keep comin’ back. Every time. I know ‘s not that easy for ya, because yer a good person an’ ya care for other people, ya have yer own dreams to achieve, an’ ya care ‘bout what other people think.” Kohaku’s tone of voice becomes a little more melancholic as he speaks, Tsukasa notices, and by the time he’s finished with that sentence his head is resting above Tsukasa’s, pulling him closer to himself. It’s weird, feels weird, makes Tsukasa’s heart swell with thoughts he knows aren’t possible, he feels gross for taking advantage of Kohaku like that, but he’s selfish, has been selfish the whole day today, and therefore decides to allow himself to stay still at least a little longer. If only because he knows the other is not finished talking yet. “Ya know they need ya, and ya wanna keep doing yer best for them, for everyone, ‘s that right...? To want people to rely on ya, ‘s a dangerous wish... ‘N I can’t just tell ya not to worry ‘d take it easy, cuz I know it’s not goin’ to be like that, the world ‘s a cruel place, Tsukasa-han.”

At those words, Tsukasa is stunned to silence. Those are all undeniable truths, that he only exerts himself to such heights because he cares about people and wants them to be okay, to be happy, to grow and make the world a better place. He knows it’s not easy; if it were, he wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t be surrounded by so many thoughts of self-doubt, the difficulties are out there and they are multiplying with each passing day. Somehow, he feels glad Kohaku is not trying to sugarcoat it, Tsukasa has never been someone who is able to see the world through rose tinted glasses, even if he tries to always see the best in people and in harsh situations. He takes a deep breath once again, trying to digest everything that has been said to him, everything that has been going through his mind, analyzing the words and the sensations carefully.

“Rulin’, or escapin’... Whichever one ya want, Imma help ya achieve it, Tsukasa-han.” Once again, it’s Kohaku who breaks the silence after a couple moments. His voice speaks of nothing but endless devotion, a trait that has been passed down by the Oukawas generation by generation. He separates from Tsukasa, pulling his face up carefully so they’re looking each other in the eyes, and then he smiles, in a way that makes his eyes crinkle with honesty. “But... Yer not a coward, are ya? In fact, ya never been, so... I think I mighta have an idea which one yer goin’ to pick.”

Funnily enough, it’s those last words that get a reaction from Tsukasa; he huffs a laugh, pushing Kohaku from him ever so slightly, if only because he cannot take staring into those eyes for much longer without thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. It’s true, he might have his doubts and his moments of less than perfect confidence, but Tsukasa is not a coward, has not been since he decided he’s had enough of hiding behind the bigger kids when he was younger. He wouldn’t dare to abandon the people who trust and rely on him, _his_ people, wouldn’t consider it. The future might be uncertain, and he may face difficulties, but he’s doing all of it because it’s what he believes is right. It might be a terribly heavy weight to bear, but it is his responsibility nonetheless, a title that has been passed to him by people who put their trust on him, people who knew he was capable of doing it, of overcoming anything fate might reserve for him, and he’s going to wear that title with pride. He won’t back away from it now, and he won’t let anyone down. He will protect them, all of them, much like Kohaku has protected him. Perhaps, Tsukasa thinks, he doesn’t have to do it all by himself; perhaps there are people that do not mind supporting him. He’s not ready for that realization yet, and probably will never be, but knowing at least Kohaku is willing to help him get where he wants to be is... Definitely a comforting thought.

“Now, c’mon. Quit bein’ teary eyed ‘n go get yerself some rest. I can’t take ya anywhere tonight, but once we get to the destination we can walk around the place by ourselves for a bit, yeah? How does that sound?” Kohaku says, still smiling and he backs away from Tsukasa a little, fixing the wild strands on the redhead’s hair. “Imma take yer bowl ‘n go fix up my own stuff, but I’ll be back by the mornin’ so there’s nothin’ to worry ‘bout.”

And Tsukasa is not weak, he’s not someone who depends on words of comfort or reassurance, he can take care of himself and even prefers to do so most of time. But when he watches Kohaku pick up the bowl from the ground, get up and then walk away from him into the outside of the tent, he cannot help but feel like he wasted an opportunity, like he could have reached for the other’s hand, taken it and asked him to stay, instead of just wordlessly nodding like some kind of idiot. He tries to convince himself it simply wasn’t the time for that, the atmosphere had already been made too weird by Tsukasa himself, certainly asking Kohaku to endure more of that would be ridiculous. He refuses to push his own feelings into the other man, as selfish as he may feel in the moment.

So, Tsukasa does the only thing he can imagine. He lays down, head facing the tent’s ceiling.

He blinks, and he thinks, waiting for the tomorrow to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep trying to think of ways to insert ToriKasa into this story.... I will decide when Tori actually shows up, I guess.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading! English is not my mother language so please let me know if you find any horrible mistakes.


End file.
